So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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