Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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