Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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