The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
third nipple confirmed
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
