I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
