well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
