Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize