She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I love you. Go after that dick
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
