im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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