Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
