I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
