if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
