Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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