Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
