im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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