hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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