So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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