hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize