I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
