i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
