I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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