It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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