You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
