i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
