so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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