I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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