Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
