hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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