Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
