i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
they need to just BURY HIM!
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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