...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
It's blow job season.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
