How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
