If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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