Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
