He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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