guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
