if i can run in heels then i can drive
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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