i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
