My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so let's talk penis.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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