I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
