Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
