.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
