I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize