I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
3pm strippers are depressing
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
