she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
