he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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