life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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