I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
