I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
