I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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