we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
