I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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