Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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