Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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