My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
