the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
