Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
