I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
