i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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