My liver just broke up with me...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
