That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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