Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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